well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
