i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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