wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
