The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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