I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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