i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
