I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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