tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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