I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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