At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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