A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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