More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
