I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
