Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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