i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
