We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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