the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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