True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
