he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
