i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
