John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
