my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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