soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm having to shit out rocks
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
