cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
