tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
