K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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