My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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