I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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