The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
