Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
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Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich