I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
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If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
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Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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