I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
