My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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