apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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