Whatcha textin bout Willis?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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