dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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