just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
