what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Are we still banned from the library?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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