Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
operation have a gay friend backfired
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
