Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
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My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
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Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
be right there i have to get my cape
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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