It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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