I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
