just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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