drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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