Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
