I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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