literally had 100 drinks last night.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
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I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
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Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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