but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
