if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
