The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
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I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
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Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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