it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
