Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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