I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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