just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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