I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
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I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
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The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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